catheter: a small tube inserted into a body cavity to remove fluid, create an opening, distend a passageway or administer a drug

how to use in casual conversation:

"good morning from harborview"
"from harborview?"
"yeah"
"what are you doing there?"
"well there's a catheter in my dick and i'm trying to figure the rest out"

not to be confused with:

any day you wake up with a catheter is, in general, confusing

how it makes me feel:

not so good. first, there is the anger. i mean, was it really necessary to spray me in the face with black paint and then proceed to beat the living hell out of me? i didn't even have any money and my bank card was shut off 12 hours later. sure you got my bus pass, but how far do you think that'll get you? the only cash you found was in my buddy's wallet and you left that there. wtf?

second is the loss. i really loved those glasses. and the one time i actually leave the house sporting those fuckers and i wake up in a neck brace with 5 staples in my head. i'm also lamenting the loss of the portions of my teeth that kept me from cutting the insides of my mouth constantly when i chew and talk. in case anybody wanted to know.

third is the stupidity. should i really feel that vulnerable walking around the very streets i used to call my home? i think not. so i've elected to combat this outrage with levity. (well, levity, advil, aspirin and copious amounts of sleep).

fourth is the violation. do you know what it's like to wake up with a tube in your manhood? a tube you neither askedfor nor desired? plus they make it feel like you have to pee even when you don't. i'm told i should be more happy i was awake when they took it out and not when they put it in, but geez!

editorial note:

none of this is a joke. i literally got the fucking shit beat out of me thursday night/friday morning for more or less no reason. it was supposed to be a robbery but as robberies go it was one of the most piss poor things i've every experienced. typically you rob people with money (dumbasses) and don't leave one of the guys with 3 dollars in his wallet. actually, you typically take the wallet with money in it and leave the one without money in it NOT THE OTHER FUCKING WAY AROUND!

i'm taking some time off. if it makes you feel any better, the swelling is going down but the bruising is worse. however, i have some arnica that i'm applying rather regularly. we'll be back up in a few days.